I’m feeling isolated. Admittedly by my own actions, and yes, I think I knew what I was doing at the time. I realized the friendships I had in my life were too surface-y to provide the kind of support I needed, so I withdrew from them until I could get a clear picture of what [...]
My Cervix Is A War Zone
Colposcopies. Biopsies. Safe sex, no sex, too little, too much. IUDs in, IUDs out, stop smoking, start estrogen, don’t start estrogen, drink green tea. Doctors, gynecologists, nurse practitioners… I feel embattled. I hurt. I just wanna close my borders and declare an embargo. My cervix is growing cancer – but slow enough that we just [...]
The Bush Administration In My Brain
I had therapy today. (Surprise!) Seems like I am always in therapy. Criminy – what other person do you know who actually has to see two different therapists, huh? Sometimes I feel just that extra shade of crazy. Anyhoo… My therapist R – we’ll just call him my male therapist to differentiate him from J, [...]
In which the you-know-what hits the fan of my life…
I’m a bit mad at myself for not posting sooner. Life has been chaotic, but when is in not, eh? I started this blog with intention, and I will not see it end with anything less than intention. So no more slacking off and avoiding posting, even in the chaos. I will try not to [...]
Going Under
I arrived home at 6 AM this morning, watching the first rays of the sun pop up from behind the horizon. I spent all of last night checking my wife K into the psychiatric unit of the university hospital, so sadly there was not enough light in that sunrise to brighten anything for me this [...]
Triggerland
I hate it when a button gets pushed. I hate it when I’m going along, doing my own thing, having a perfectly lovely day, and all someone has to do is say the wrong thing or use the wrong tone or lookit me sideways, and BAM. There’s no going back, no erasing the moment. It’s [...]
The S-E-X Post
Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me… and her, and him, and them. OK, now that that song is irredeemably stuck in your head, I’ll tell you what the hell I’m rambling on about. Welcome to my sex life… Sex is often… umm, complex for a trauma survivor. There are a [...]
Dreams
A few nights ago, I had a dream about my grandparents house. Dreaming of their house is not an unusual phenomenon for me. It’s where the worst of the abuse happened, and many of my nightmares are set somewhere in their basement, garage, or back yard. This particular dream was different, however. To begin [...]
8 much? Age player vs. Inner child
Therapy has it’s own cliches. ‘Remember to breathe.’ ‘How do you *feel* about that?’ ‘You must embrace your inner child.’ Most of them make me want to punch someone in the face. There’s nothing I hate more than a therapist who can’t think enough outside of the box to figure out what will help me, [...]
Feeding the need
[Disclaimer: This post contains an explicit discussion of BDSM and kink related activities. If this is not your cup of tea or you may be potentially triggered by this type of content, read at your own risk. Don't say I didn't warn you.] Let’s talk about kink. Or rather, let’s talk about my kink. (Ah, [...]
