So my therapist called me, for lack of a better term, an “alpha submissive”. This phrase has been stuck in my head for the last two weeks since she uttered it, rumbling around bumping up against a lot of other kink related thoughts I’ve been having lately. I want to claim it somehow, but it [...]
Isolation
I’m feeling isolated. Admittedly by my own actions, and yes, I think I knew what I was doing at the time. I realized the friendships I had in my life were too surface-y to provide the kind of support I needed, so I withdrew from them until I could get a clear picture of what [...]
My Cervix Is A War Zone
Colposcopies. Biopsies. Safe sex, no sex, too little, too much. IUDs in, IUDs out, stop smoking, start estrogen, don’t start estrogen, drink green tea. Doctors, gynecologists, nurse practitioners… I feel embattled. I hurt. I just wanna close my borders and declare an embargo. My cervix is growing cancer – but slow enough that we just [...]
The Bush Administration In My Brain
I had therapy today. (Surprise!) Seems like I am always in therapy. Criminy – what other person do you know who actually has to see two different therapists, huh? Sometimes I feel just that extra shade of crazy. Anyhoo… My therapist R – we’ll just call him my male therapist to differentiate him from J, [...]
In which the you-know-what hits the fan of my life…
I’m a bit mad at myself for not posting sooner. Life has been chaotic, but when is in not, eh? I started this blog with intention, and I will not see it end with anything less than intention. So no more slacking off and avoiding posting, even in the chaos. I will try not to [...]
Work
I feel exhausted lately, like everything in life is taking 5 times more energy than I have to expend. Like most important things in my life, I am of at least two simultaneous minds about this. On the one hand, I look at my life pre-November-breakdown, and I see the amazing pace I kept up [...]
Don’t Tread on Me (Unless I Ask)
So I seem to have reached my first case of blogger’s block. It’s not so much that I have nothing to say – hell, I always have something to say. It’s more that I’ve reached that place where I’m bumping up against my intendeds again (see The Intendeds). Its been a stressful interpersonal week, where [...]
Triggerland
I hate it when a button gets pushed. I hate it when I’m going along, doing my own thing, having a perfectly lovely day, and all someone has to do is say the wrong thing or use the wrong tone or lookit me sideways, and BAM. There’s no going back, no erasing the moment. It’s [...]
The S-E-X Post
Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me… and her, and him, and them. OK, now that that song is irredeemably stuck in your head, I’ll tell you what the hell I’m rambling on about. Welcome to my sex life… Sex is often… umm, complex for a trauma survivor. There are a [...]
Dreams
A few nights ago, I had a dream about my grandparents house. Dreaming of their house is not an unusual phenomenon for me. It’s where the worst of the abuse happened, and many of my nightmares are set somewhere in their basement, garage, or back yard. This particular dream was different, however. To begin [...]
